That seems to be the theme of my life lately.
Everything that I do... every possible outcome. I overanalyze it. I pick out every possibility, no matter how vague or improbable. And then... I always focus on the worst case.
Case in point: with my parents. I was so convinced... so terrified... that things would go terribly, terribly wrong. I was literally prepared... to just give up completely... to...
I'll just say it...
To kill myself.
How incredibly pathetic.
A small disclaimer (totally out of place among this entry): This entry is highly negative, but I am having a good day. I'm having a great day. No comments about how I need to be happy again :-P Anyway... (ignore the existance of this paragraph)
I don't even know why this is. I guess things just have never worked out the way I wanted them to. Whenever I take a chance or a risk with anything in life, it's always worked out to be the worst case... or a case that I really would have no preferred.
A lot of you are going to say I'm crazy. I mean, after all, things worked out okay last week (and no, I refuse to elaborate). Hell, they worked out amazing last week. Things in high school always worked out well, or at least for the best. Various events in college... always work out positively.
I guess my mind just expects so much out of everything. Time and time again, that hope has been dashed... to the point that I see every outcome... as failure? Is that possible?
Maybe I'm so conceted that I don't see anything as good enough?
Or was I just naively setting hopes too high, then, when things never quite measured up, learned to aim low?
Aim low in life, and you're never disappointed.
I guess, in a way, that's my general feeling right now too.
Quite frankly, even if I do send it... I should rephrase... when I send it (because I will... I always do what I've set my mind to), I'm not expecting a reply.
As nice... as amazing... as incredibly perfect as a reply (any reply) would be... and as much as I would love to get something... anything... in response... I'm aiming low. Not expecting anything.
Can't aim much lower than that.
Is that depressive? That I always aim low? In a sense, it's comforting because then I can never fail. If I never expect anything, any outcome is a surprise (except, of course, for the outcome where nothing happens). Any outcome makes me happy.
I was up until 3 last night thinking. Rethinking. Second guessing myself. I always do that. Always assume the worst. Follow that train of thought. See where it ends up (usually with the end of the world as I know it). Then, retrace my steps and trying again, usually with an even worse outcome.
Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.
I don't know how I can be so negative all the time with so much going for me. Everything in life for me is great. I honestly can't complain about anything right now. I have the world's best parents. The world's most reliable friends. The world's most perfect university. I have everything I could ever want.
...or do I?
Always when I ask myself for my moviation behind something, I can never get a single answer. It's as if the method of life returns both answers... contrary to the language syntax... contrary to what should logically make sense. When you do something, there's a reason. Things that have nothing to do with your motivation should not even factor in. But somehow, they always work their way in. Certain facts, certain statements, certain thoughts... intermixing with the real, true reason behind everything.
So I second guess myself.
Is what I'm doing... right?
Am I doing it for the right reasons?
Am I being selfish?
I hate being selfish, but I know I am... in many ways. It's one of the few qualities that I hate about myself. I guess it's a necessary evil, because you don't want to give your life away to strangers. At the same time, I can't help feeling like I possess it in a quantity that is undesirable.
All I really wanted... all I want out of most things... is to help others. Any way I can. If it's something I know I can do... and if it's something I believe I can succeed in... I want to try. That's why I became a consultant - not for the money, and certainly not for the exercise every M/W night.
But what happens when that simply isn't possible? Or when it is, but you don't have the courage or strength to do what is necessary?
I hate giving up. If you know me, you know that. I'll leave projects unfinished (I have an tendancy to take on more than I can handle, then quickly grow bored of things and gradually drop them), but that's different. There, I've made a difference. I've done something. Giving up... is so final. Admitting defeat.
I hate to admit defeat.
There it is again... pessimism.
Defeat.
Is that really what it is?
Or is it simply accepting the outcome, knowing you've done all you can.
You can't always succeed.
I realize that.
So why do I view everything else as failure? Is there a distinct line between them? Or a gradual blur?
I'm avoiding the issue at hand though.
Back to it...
Outcomes... of all the possible outcomes... I guess I'm not really imagining the worst.
Things could end up a lot wors...
There I go again. Shoot me now.
At least, this time, I'm assuming... nothing.
Literally nothing.
I have no expectations going into it, and I'll have none after I've done it.
Anything that happens... will be a surprise. Pleasant? Possibly. Hopefully.
Why do I keep taking these risks?
Things that I should be perfectly happy without doing.
Is it the thrill? No.
Why then?
Maybe... somewhere deep down... I know it's morally right?
Maybe it's my inability to accept failure... I have to do what I can, and then just let things fall as they will.
So then... I know I have to do this, even if only for my own sake... for my own damn conscience.
Selfish selfish selfish.
Email of fate... vagueness unbounded... away into cyberspace...
I digress. If you've read all this, you get a cookie. Seriously. Once I buy another dozen smiley cookies, come by my room sometime and ask for one. I trust you won't cheat ;)
Also, if you havn't yet, I'd appreciate your filling out this form. I'm curious what people think of me.
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