Why do I write in my journal every day?
Habit?
Boredom?
Patheticness?
...or is it something else?
I've drank eight 20oz diet pepsis in the past 48 hours. Drown my sorrows in caffeine. Too bad I've already grown dependent on it... and it does absolutely nothing to me. Maybe if I had sugar instead...
Meh.
There's a lot going on in my life right now, academics only being a small part of it.
I'm not sure I can deal with it all. But I have to try.
So many things I have to do. So much to think about. So many possibilities... so many courses of action...
So little courage to do what is necessary.
What's keeping me going? I'm not sure. The possibility, however slight, of something good down the road? The knowledge that, no matter what, life goes on?
Nothing?
Is it hopeless?
What do you do when you keep getting pushed away? When, no matter what you do, it's not enough? How do you reach someone who doesn't want to be reached?
It hurts, dammit. To feel... helpless...
Yet, it's what I'm doing right now.
My parents... trying to help...
Concerned. Worried. Constantly.
Trying to reach me.
But I don't want to be reached right now.
I'm hurting them.
Dammit, I'm hurting them.
And all they ever did was care about me... that's all they've ever done.
You don't deserve this.
But... I don't know what I can do... how to make things better...
Keep working at it... at life... at school... at many things that I know have to be done. But things that I don't know if I can ever get done.
I've come close to giving up. A lot. Many, many times, especially over this past week.
At points, I have given up. Just gone to my bed, and cried. For hours.
Yesterday, I felt like giving up.
Sat there and just... wrote. 10 pages, front and back. Went through 4 pencils.
Normally, putting my thoughts on paper helps me to accept things. Makes me feel better.
It made me feel worse.
Made me think of everything I've done wrong... and how the things I'm doing right aren't enough... aren't working...
...will never be enough... will never work...
Right now, I feel like giving up.
Maybe I have given up.
But always... I pick myself up... and I keep going.
So I will now... tonight... tomorrow... keep working. Keep trying.
Toward what?
What is there to work toward?
Superficial things... money. A job. Saving money on your car insurance by switching to Geiko.
Or things that actually mean something...
Friends. Education. Family. Love.
Is that all that's keeping me going?
Is it enough?
How long will it last?
When will I reach a point where I just can't do it anymore?
At what point am I going to realize... I'm just one person.
Me against the world.
I'm not strong enough.
Am I alone?
It scares me to be alone. More than anything else in the world.
I had a good dream last night.
Lately, all good dreams have been doing is giving me false hope.
The hope that maybe... things will work out.
That I'll wake up, and everything will be perfect... or at least resemble some form of "good."
That I'll wake up to something more than what I currently have.
That things have somehow worked out.
And of course, they never do.
Things are always the same.
So I wake up and feel like shit.
Good dreams make me feel like shit... how screwed up am I right now?
Quite, apparently.
Why can't I be happy with what I have?
I have an amazing life... amazing friends... amazing parents... I'm going to an amazing school...
I'm one of the luckiest people alive.
But it's not enough.
There's something I need....
And I can work toward it forever, and never achieve it. Never find it.
But... I have to keep going. Keep trying.
Impossible odds... fighting them... I can't give up. No matter what people think of me for it.
Since when did I care what people thought of me?
All throughout elementary school, I was the loner. Sat in a corner, kept to myself. Didn't need anyone or anything.
Middle school... had a group of friends. Did my own thing, not caring what anyone thought.
High school... for the first time... opinions mattered.
I cared what others thought.
And it scared me.
I need people. I need friends.
I realized that then.
The thought that I could lose them... lose people I cared about...
If I did, what would I have to live for?
That's why I act the way I do.
I care what other people think because I can't afford to lose them.
You want me to change... I'll change.
But then again, what kind of friend makes you change?
What kind of friend doesn't accept you for who you are... makes you mold yourself to their ideal?
Not any friend I would want.
So... opinions matter. But at the same time, I will be who I am. I'm not going to try to be something I'm not... there's no need to.
Yeah I know it hurts, yeah I know you're scared walking down the road that leads to who knows where.
Don't you hang your head, don't you give up yet. When courage starts to disappear I will be right here.
When your world breaks down and the voices tell you, "Turn around..." When your dreams give out, I will carry you, carry you.
When the stars go blind and the darkness starts to flood your eyes. When you've fallen behind, I will carry you.
Everybody cries, everybody bleeds. No one ever said that life's an easy thing. Thats the beauty of it. When you lose your
way, close your eyes and go to sleep and wake up to another day.
You should know now that you're not alone. Take my heart and we will find, you will find, your way home.
Apphia, ironic that you like this song... because now, more than ever, it's applicable.
And you have no idea how much I appreciate everything. Truly.
Support from you... from Mark... from people who don't know but still care... Tim... Julie...
That's what I need right now. Support. Even when you don't know why... This is why my friends rule. This is why I'm one of the luckiest people alive.
Support... there are other kinds of support.
One kind in particular, that I need to have. More than anything.
But can I do anything about it?
Is it under my control?
No.
But at the very least... there's one thing I can do... to relieve some of this stupid stressful burden.
The one act that can either start to set things right... or forever screw everything up.
Am I scared? Damn right I am.
Do I have the courage it takes? I don't know.
But it's time.
Something that has to be done...
And so... leap of faith. I'm taking it. Now.
Let's see if I splat at the bottom... alone. Lost forever.
Or... if there's someone there to catch me.
Maybe, in the process... I can help you understand... so I don't push you away anymore.
I love you mom and dad... and I'm hurting you.
No more.
I can't do it anymore.
Mom, check your email in about 15 minutes.
If you havn't posted a response to this question yet, please do.
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