I can't sleep.
Keep thinking about all the things I've done wrong in life... and all the things I need to fix... all the things I need to change.
Been doing a lot of self-reflection lately. As a result, this is my new "Me on me" from my about me page.
College has changed me a lot more than I realized. For one, I'm a lot more outgoing now than before. I also feel more self-confidant and generally have a broader view of life... what I want out of it, what I feel my role is in the world. At the same time, I've still remained faithfully childish (jump up and down and yell "Facebook! Facebook!" with me!) and camera-happy. So fear me. And join the "We Fear Alan" group on Facebook if you havn't yet.
Looking at myself, it's amazing what being on your own can do to you. I have to be responsible for every part of my day, from waking up in time for classes to making sure I get food so I don't starve. No one to tell you when to eat, or when to do homework, or when to go play with friends. This kind of control makes you feel powerful... but can really screw up your life if you're not careful.
In that sense, I think I've become a lot more outgoing recently. I'm beginning to assert myself somewhat (although I'm still shy... example: today at lunch, someone took the chair Apphia was going to sit in.. and I found it easier to move and give her my chair than tell the person the seat was taken... hmmmm), which is a goal I've been working towards for a long time. Of course, I'm still not a good judge of when is a good time to stand my ground and speak my mind... and when I need to listen and be flexible. Vicki, if you're reading this, I'm sorry for that.
At the same time, I think I'm realizing what I want out of life. A lot of it is obvious: an education, a good reliable job, a comfortable (not overly extravagant) life... but a lot of it is more personal too... inner dreams and hopes. I think I know what I ultimately want now...
College, they say, is a time of learning... not just in your field, but also how to live life. You learn more than what is taught inside the classroom... college gives you a chance to screw up, and still be alright. You can make little mistakes... or even big ones, and still recover. College is where you grow into the person you will be for the rest of your life, for better or for worse.
I've also reinforced my belief that it's not grades that matter-it's what you learn. In high school... I could have had it easy... I could have gone to Mountain Pointe. But I didn't. I chose a challenge at Payne Academy... which I feel ultimately paid off (despite all the hardships along the way). I could have gotten easy As... instead, I opted for the difficult As at Payne. And it was worth it.
Here in college, it's even more pronounced. I could have had it very easy... gone to UofA with a fullride and gotten easy As. Instead, I chose the difficult (and expensive) path. As Jim (our advisor) keeps telling us, "This is CMU. Any grade is a good grade. There's nothing wrong with a D - a D is passing." At the same time, I realize that, just because it's okay to fail, that doesn't mean I shouldn't be trying. On the contrary, I think I'm applying myself more than I ever have before... spending 10 or 20 hours a week to earn that C or that B. But once again, it's worth it. As the saying goes, "D is for Diploma."
Exposure to the real world... that begins in college too. It's brutal out there... and we're slowly being lowered into the pit of rabid dogs. Then again, we're being prepared for it. As a child, everyone believes the world... people... are ultimately good. Unfortunately, that's not human nature. I'm shedding my naiveness... beginning to doubt, beginning to question... to think about things for myself instead of blindly believing and trusting.
I'm a different person than I was only four months ago. Laying in my bed that night, staring at the ceiling, realizing I wouldn't be in that bed again until December, it was scary. I was afraid. I was a child then... this is me now. Yet, with all that I've gained, I still have a lot to learn... and there's a lot of people who can still teach me.
Parents, for one... I take my parents for granted way too often. They gave me remarkable freedom in life... from the beginning, it was "What do you want to be when you grow up?" instead of the more typical Asian "You should study X because X is where all the money's at." They taught me to go after my dreams, no matter what. That's why I'm here now... I'm doing what I love...
That too, I take for granted. I'm here. At Carnegie Mellon. One of the top schools in the nation... but also one of the most expensive. I was irresponsible, not putting aside enough time for scholarship applications... and my parents are having to foot the whole $40,000/year. But they're doing it for me. Next year or this summer, I hope to get a job or an internship to at least help out... but they're still carrying the bulk of the load. I think I take that for granted way too often.
Freedom too... in high school, after I had they bought me a car, my parents gave me freedom of movement anywhere, virtually anytime. This too I took for granted... but I can see now how unusual it was... and how much they must have trusted me. Coming back home at 8:30 or 9:00 from somewhere, not having called... no questions as to where I was or what I was doing. I'm proud to say though that I never abused that trust... never did things I wasn't supposed to...
I was blind back then. Naive. Took things for granted. Took friends for granted. Friendships really are fragile things, no matter how strong the bonds. If anything, recent events have gone to show me that. At the same time, you have to be true to yourself. I used to give in too often. When the going got tough, I threw in the towel and watched from the sidelines. This time, I'm in the ring whether I like it or not, and I'm not backing down. I believe I'm right. I'm not going to back down from that. At the same time, I realize some of the things I said or did were hurtful... and I want to make things right. But how can I make things right when it involves me lying to myself? Giving in? I can't. So for now, things are going to remain broken.
So... what do I need to change about myself? A lot. I could go on for hours and list them all. But maybe through the process of self-criticism I'll find that a lot of those things make me who I am. If I changed them... got rid of them... I would no longer be me. Is that what I want? I don't think so.
I don't want to be the norm... the conformist... I don't want to just be another nobody... I want to be myself... and be comfortable being myself... to express myself. I need to look carefully at my flaws... and maybe realize that some of them are, in fact, unique qualities, not flaws.
This is who I am. I'm finally realizing that. Certain things about me will never change... other things will with a lot of time and effort. But those things are what make me... me.
And I would continue except I've been writing for 45 mintues already, and it is now 3:15, and I have class at 8:30, so I really should get some sleep... or at least try to get some sleep.
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