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Monday March 15, 2004
Feelin bad
Meh. Only $22 in tips today. And I'm still feeling a bit down, for many reasons. Most of which I would really rather not talk about. :-\ But yeah. I'm so pathetic sometimes... I mean really. I supposedly have a great future ahead of me. I have everything in the world to be thankful for. So why can't I get past myself and here and now? It's like everywhere I look, there's more reason to be sad. But the more I think, the more I see that it's foolish and myopic. Yet I can't help it. Everyone else always seems so happy. For many reasons. Sometimes I wish I could be like that. One reason in particular, but meh, whatever. Maybe I just need a best friend. Someone I can talk to about anything. Literally anything. I mean, Ty's great, and Janel's great, and I consider them my closest friends, but there's still stuff I would never talk to them about. I dunno. Maybe it's just hormones or something ;) Male menopause. Except doesn't that come much later in life? O.o Pissed off about a bunch of other things too. People that don't signal. People that don't tip. People that skate right in front of cars preparing to pull out of a parking lot at night without wearing reflectors or lights, then swear at them. People that hold grudges. Me for holding grudges. Me for using those stupid ascii faces all the time. Especially ^_^ You have no idea how much I hate using that, but I do. I mean, it's habit. Just like saying "meh" in real life. Dammit, I'm so fake. Why does everyone have such high expectations for me and all? I never wanted to be smart. I just want to fit in. And sometimes that's hard. Why do I always have to do everything perfect? Why can't I ever just do something the way I want to do it and leave it at that? Why does everyone expect me to know everything? Why do I expect MYSELF to know everything? I'm not perfect. Far from it. So why do I expect so much out of myself? But then, why do I expect so little of myself? I don't exercise. I don't clean my room. I drink too much soda. I don't always put forth my best effort on scholarships and homework. But I can still do well without having to work at it. And you know what? I hate it. Why am I able to finish something quickly and do a good job at it while others take longer and require more effort? I hate that sometimes. I don't want to be good at academics. I don't want to be good with computers. I don't want to be classified as "gifted." I just want to be me. I want to suffer through school sometimes. I want to struggle. I want my triumphs to count for something and my failures to not be such a big deal. But that's not the way it works, is it? You're smart, so you have to be great at everything. Get a straight A report card? Okay, so what? You always get those. You have to know who the 29th president of the United States was, and you have to be able to solve dirivatives in your sleep. You have to get straight As all the time and take challenging classes and take APs and ace exams and do all that great stuff that classified you as gifted. Meh. I don't really know what point I'm going towards, or even if there is one to this huge major long rant-like thing. I'm so pathetic sometimes. :( Know what's even more pathetic? When I feel bad, I have to talk to people. Which ends up making them feel bad too. Like I find myself IMing people I rarely talk to when I'm feeling sad, or depressed, or down, and telling them that I feel bad. I mean, WHY?!?! I need to stop doing that. Meaning this entire entry was probably one huge mistake. But whatever, it's written, and I'm not unwritting it.
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